10 Ways to Improve Family Communication Family members must communicate well if they are to build and maintain strong family relationships. Good communication helps family members deal with the challenges of life, discuss their needs and desires, express their love and respect for one another, and develop confidence and feelings of self-worth. As family members learn to communicate more effectively within the home, they develop valuable skills that help them communicate more effectively outside the home. This booklet contains ten suggestions for improving communication within your family. 1 Listen to Understand To hear someone is not the same as to listen and understand. An important way to express love and respect for other family members is to listen carefully to them. Listening to what people are feeling as well as what they are saying takes concentration and effort. Does your family convey messages of love and respect through careful listening? The following steps can help you listen more effectively: Show that you want to listen. To show you are interested in what others are saying, look at them when they are speaking. Avoid interrupting. When people share their feelings, avoid interrupting with your own experiences and opinions. Show respect by listening carefully to what they say. If the speaker pauses, don't rush to inject your own ideas. Watch nonverbal cues. People communicate many things through their facial expression, tone of voice, and posture. Good listeners pay attention to these nonverbal cues. What emotion does the speaker's face or voice convey? Does the person's posture or expression indicate how he or she is feeling? Be accepting. A good listener accepts other people's descriptions of their feelings, motives, or goals without lecturing them on how they should think or feel. You don't have to agree with other people's conclusions, but you can allow them to express their ideas. Share your perspective. Once others have expressed their feelings, they may want to hear your perspective. If so, explain how you see the situation and offer alternatives. But unless serious matters are involved, wise parents often allow children to make their own decisions and learn by experience to the extent appropriate for their age and level of responsibility. Listening is more than just hearing. When family members know you are sincerely interested in what they have to say, they may be more willing to open up and tell you what they think and how they feel. 2 Talk So Others Can Understand Communicating well requires not only good listening skills but also effective speaking skills. People who learn to express themselves effectively can keep communication open by reducing the chance for arguments, bad feelings, or boredom. Express your feelings. It is difficult for others to understand what you are feeling unless you tell them. When you express yourself, be willing to say what you really think and feel, not what you think others want to hear. Be honest. Take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings by learning to express them without putting blame on others. Avoid generalizations. Comments that are oversimplified or based on stereotypes can sound opinionated and unyielding. 3 Use Labels That Show Love Young children tend to believe what their parents tell them. Often parents' seemingly insignificant words can have a great impact on their children, either positively or negatively. When parents repeatedly tell children that they have certain characteristics, they may be helping to shape the children's self-images. A child who has been labeled "smart" by his or her parents, for example, is likely to do better in school than a child who has been labeled "lazy." Use positive labels. Help your children build confidence and self-esteem by avoiding the use of negative labels. Practice using labels that show love and acceptance. Let your children be themselves. Avoid using labels that put undue pressure on your children to perform as you would like them to. Express confidence in your children's abilities, and encourage your children to do the best they can. When Julie was a little girl, she would hide behind her parents to avoid people she was not familiar with. Her parents would respond by telling them she was just "shy." When Julie was older, she was uncomfortable in new situations, because she had grown up believing she was shy. Julie's well-meaning parents were not aware they were giving their daughter a label that would affect her self-image. Are your children affected positively or negatively by the labels you give them? 4 Attack the Problem, Not the Child When children make mistakes, parents should be careful to address the mistake, not condemn the child. Parents can talk with their children about unacceptable behavior without making the children feel they are bad. It is better to say that a child has behaved in an unacceptable way than to say that the child is bad. Focus on actions. When disciplining your children, think about the words you are saying. Are you condemning your children or their actions? What can you say to help them understand the difference? 5 Spend One-on-One Time with Your Children Some of parents' most valuable teaching opportunities occur when they spend one-on-one time with their children. In this setting, children can openly share their feelings and ask questions without fear of what others in the family might think. This is also a good time for parents to share their feelings and teach family values. Schedule time for each child. Meet with each child regularly, even if only for a few minutes. Ask your children about their goals and experiences, and discuss some of the questions they may have. Express your confidence in their ability to make wise decisions. Ask your children for suggestions. Ask your children how they would like to spend time as a family. Talk about ways to strengthen your parent-child relationship. Many parents have discovered the value of driving time. They have found that the car is one of the few places where they can talk with their children without distractions. When running errands, taking your children to school, or going on a road trip, take advantage of your driving time and talk with your children one-on-one about their life's experiences, observations, and feelings. 6 Build Relationships of Love and Trust Children grow to respect parents who are honest with them, and they grow to distrust those who are not. Parents can help their children develop spiritual and moral values by teaching true principles and by being consistent in living them. Be willing to apologize. Children appreciate it when parents admit they have made mistakes. Your children will learn from your honest example that everyone makes mistakes and everyone can change. Share your goals. Talk with your children about your goals, your dreams, and your reasons for doing what you do. As you share your thoughts openly, your children will feel more comfortable confiding in you. When Robert was a little boy, his older siblings teased him by making him believe things that weren't true. Once, in frustration, he asked his mother if what his brothers and sisters were telling him was the truth. When his mother answered, Robert looked up at her and asked, "Are you lying?" His mother responded, "Honey, I would never lie to you." As an adult, Robert still remembers the relief he felt as a child when he realized he could count on his mother to be honest with him. 7 Think First Although family disagreements are normal, the emotions of a difficult moment can cause family members to say things they later regret. Thinking through an issue before reacting can help family members calm down and find alternative ways to express their feelings. Take a time out. When you find yourself in a situation where you are likely to say something hurtful, take a time out and calm down. If it helps, go for a walk or count to ten slowly. Put yourself in someone else's shoes. Imagine that you are another family member hearing what you are about to say. What influence might your words have on him or her? Remember that sometimes children hear our tone of voice more than our words. 8 Make Home a Haven A few years ago, a survey was taken to find out what men wanted most in their homes. The results showed that they preferred tranquillity at home over expensive furniture, a well-equipped garage, or a private study. For the entire family, home should be a haven from the trials and conflicts of the outside world--a place where family members talk openly about their learning experiences and achievements and where others listen with interest and encouragement. Home should be a place of acceptance and strength. Foster peace. As much as possible, create a peaceful climate in your home. Resolve differences quickly and privately, and do all you can to keep bickering and hostilities from getting out of control. Family life is a good laboratory to teach children how to resolve conflicts. These skills will help them deal with conflict situations throughout their lives. Show appreciation. Look for opportunities to show appreciation to your family members. Show them you love them, and tell them often. Following are a few ways to express appreciation and love for your family: · Leave notes or small gifts where other family members can find them. · Ask your children to help you with fun projects such as baking cookies or writing letters. This gives you one-on-one time with your children and also gives them the opportunity to feel needed for more than just household chores. · Give family members something to look forward to when they come home from school or work, such as a family outing, a surprise, or a personal note. Notes of appreciation or congratulations give family members tangible evidence of how much you care for them. Spoken words are also important, but notes and letters can be saved and read again and again. 9 Talk with Your Children after School When children go to school, they are exposed to behavior that may conflict with the values they are taught at home. Parents can take time to talk with their children and help them understand these experiences. Be there. Whenever possible, be available to your children when they come home from school. Talk with your children about their experiences and help them distinguish between right and wrong behavior. 10 Improve Communication within Your Marriage Good communication within a marriage can have a strong positive influence on communication within the family. Howard W. Hunter, former President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, said, "A child needs parents who are happy in their relationship to each other, who are working happily toward the fulfillment of ideal family living, who love their children with a sincere and unselfish love, and who are committed to the family's success." By learning to communicate effectively, parents can resolve conflicts peacefully and contribute to a healthy family environment. Keep it private. When you need to discuss a serious concern or problem with your spouse, do it privately. Use some of the suggestions outlined in this booklet to see that each person's thoughts and feelings are communicated effectively. Learn to negotiate. Listen patiently and objectively when your partner's point of view differs from your own. When making family decisions, calmly discuss alternatives and try to meet on common ground. Good communication is a gift your family can give itself. By developing better communication skills, your family will enjoy stronger relationships, a more peaceful environment, and greater ability to face challenges. One young man remembers his parents taking long drives, going for walks, or just going into a room alone when they needed to resolve disagreements. He never remembers them arguing in front of the family. Sources "Three Steps to a Happier Family," published by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Families First, a project of The Cottage Program International. "The Great American Family Builder," published by the American Family Society. Copyright 1996 by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. All rights reserved. Printed in the USA. English approval: 11/95. 35562.