Life Among the Mormons: Secretaries

By Virginia Maughan Kammeyer

When we stand at the bar with one accord
And the angel opens the books,
There ought to be some special reward
For the folks with the hounded looks:
The ones with the ink-stained fingertips
Who fill in black and red lines,
And add up all the attendance slips,
And rush to meet their deadlines.
Afraid they’ll be caught without their oil,
Like the virgin in the parable,
They work with never-ending toil,
’Cause the end of the month is terrible.
Oh, a secretarial paradise,
So perfect and sublime,
Would be a place where everyone
Handed in his report on time!

Next Month: Talent Night

The best government in the world, the best religion, the best traditions of any people, depend upon the good or evil of the men and women who administer them.

Pearl Buck

Young Man’s Fancy

By S. H. Dewhurst

Now he washes behind his ears.
Now he sparkles with cleanliness.
Now there’s nothing that interferes
With the care he takes to dress.
Now his manners are polished pearls;
He’s a bundle of charm and vim.
All at once he’s discovered girls—
All at once they’ve discovered him.

Duty: Something we look forward to with distaste, do with reluctance, and boast about forever.

Joe Smyly Northridge, California

A high councilor, when asked the meaning of the word genealogy, replied, “It’s something that I don’t understand, but every time I hear the word I get a guilty conscience.”

Melvyn Shelley Holbrook, Arizona

While watching our children at play, my husband commented: “I’ll bet Mormon kids are the only ones who include going to meetings when they play house.”

Bea Hodson Midland, Michigan

“Daddy, how do you find the least common denominator?” “Haven’t they found that yet? They were looking for it when I was in school!”

A man who had just been promoted to vice-president boasted so much about it to his wife that she finally retorted: “Vice-presidents are a dime a dozen. Why, in the supermarket they even have a vice-president in charge of prunes.” Furious, the husband phoned the supermarket and asked to speak to the vice-president in charge of prunes. “Which kind?” he was asked. “Packaged or bulk?”

Bits & Pieces

A young woman running to the meetinghouse with a life preserver to be used as a visual aid in a class was stopped short by a friend who said: “You obviously know something that I don’t know.”

Clyde B. Russell Santa Rosa, California