"Strengthen Home and Family"
March 2004

Susan W. Tanner
Young Women General President

Several years ago after general conference, we asked our children what they had liked about conference. Our then 16-year-old daughter was elated. She said, “I loved it! I loved hearing inspired, intelligent prophets and leaders affirm motherhood.” Then she told us that this was one of the disturbing anxieties in her life. “We just don’t hear it from anyone—not at seminary, not in Young Women, and definitely not at school, nowhere except at home.” I don’t know if her experience is similar to other young women, but I suspect that it is. I know that for some time it has not been vogue for women or young women to extol the virtues of motherhood or to express the desires of their hearts to be mothers.

I particularly noticed this a few weeks ago when I met with a group of about 20 Laurels whom I had never met. I asked them what their goals were. The first few mentioned educational goals like getting a PhD in biology; some said they would like to go on a mission—all worthy goals. Finally one girl timidly expressed the desire to be a mother and have children. Then a few more girls talked about other goals. After one more girl mentioned motherhood, the rest of them hopped on board. But it was quite courageous for those first two girls to admit they wanted to be mothers. And this was in a very safe setting.

Besides the fact that admitting this may set the girl up for ridicule, it may also set her up for failure. She may feel that this is a goal that she doesn’t have the control to achieve, which may make her feel vulnerable in stating it. It is also a goal that requires great unselfishness; it may require setting aside other more glamorous goals. I am sensitive to the many issues facing our young women, but I still feel that I must teach eternal principles.

One day when our presidency was first called, we were meeting with one of our priesthood advisers. He asked us about our vision for young women. Among other things, we said that we want to help them prepare for their future roles. He waited expectantly for us to say more. Finally he said to us, “Then why don’t you say it? Just say the 'M' word—motherhood. You must be bold about it. The young women and their leaders need to hear it. They won’t hear it from the world, so they must hear it from you.”

I went back and read those talks that inspired our daughter. I also read President Kimball’s talks from the first general women’s meetings, President Benson’s and President Hinckley’s talks to women and young women, and other talks from our prophets. The beautiful truths from these talks are now carefully stated in the historical proclamation to the world on the family.

I am elated, as was our daughter, to be affirmed and strengthened in my roles by wise, loving apostles and prophets. I have memorized every word of that proclamation because I want to understand it better, to think more deeply about its meaning, and to have those words in me so I can express doctrine correctly and testimony articulately whenever I need to.

In a recent training session, Sister Dalton encountered a brother who kept raising his hand and verbally disagreeing with everything she said. She told of the importance of using our Young Women programs to prepare our girls to go to the temple and to become wives, mothers, and homemakers. Again he opposed her. At that moment the words from the proclamation on the roles of fathers and mothers came to her mind and a warmth filled her body as she said them and added her testimony to the truth of that statement. Her witness of those sacred truths filled the room with the Spirit and dispelled any further opposition.

Listen to the power of these words from the proclamation: “By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of the children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners” (“The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102). Fathers have the huge responsibility to preside, provide, and protect. Mothers have the sacred responsibility to nurture. What a rich word is nurture, meaning to train, to educate, to foster development, to promote growth, and to nourish or feed as in the Savior’s injunction,“Feed my sheep” (John 21:16). And then together as fathers and mothers we support and help one another.

So today I would like to affirm motherhood, to talk about the beautiful recent addition to our Young Women theme–to “be prepared to strengthen home and family.” I want you to hear it from me, and I hope your young women will hear it from you. Here are five things we must teach them: (1) We must teach them how to strengthen their current homes and families. (2) We must prepare them with skills, both temporal and spiritual, that will bless their future homes. (3) We must inspire them to want to be wonderful wives, mothers, and homemakers. (4) We must help them have the courage to face a world which is desecrating families and family values. (5) We must emphasize the eternal responsibility and privilege of motherhood and help them understand that each of them will make a home and influence children whether or not they have the opportunity to marry in this life. We must make sure that they know that their righteous womanly role in the home is, as President Hinckley said, “the one bright shining hope in a world that is marching toward self-destruction.” “When you save a girl, you save generations” (“Standing Strong and Immovable,” Worldwide Leadership Training Meeting, Jan. 10, 2004, 20).

Let me discuss these five points.

We must teach young women how to strengthen their current homes and families.

What a blessing the newest phrase in the Young Women theme is for us, to remind us of this most important duty. All families, from the best to the most troubled, are in need of strengthening. Elder Robert D. Hales said, “If we think other families don’t have any difficulties or any problems, we just don’t know them well enough” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1993, 10; or Ensign, Nov. 1993, 10). He further said, “If the example we have received from our parents was not good, it is our responsibility to break the cycle. . . . Each person can learn a better way and in so doing bless the lives of family members now and teach correct traditions for the generations that follow” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1993, 10–11; or Ensign, Nov. 1993, 10). We need to encourage girls to turn to their mothers and fathers not only to receive help but to give help.

Our young women can encourage family prayer, family scripture study, and regular family home evenings. I know one happy Laurel who always brought the family together for these activities with her ebullient spirit. The Personal Progress goals encourage young women to support their families in these activities.

Several of our general board members grew up in homes with parents who were less active in the Church. One of them had a very wise Young Women leader who counseled her to be with her family when they did recreational things on Sunday but to maintain her personal standards. So if they went to a swimming club, she would go with them to visit with them, but she herself would not go swimming. She was able to build a tender relationship with them.

I know a young woman who ruefully saw her brother associating with the wrong group of friends. After praying fervently for him one night, she followed an impression to pick him up from the party he was attending. She drove around with him for some time just talking to him about who he was as a member of their family and who he was as a member of Heavenly Father’s family and of his responsibility to honor those identities. He was able to turn things around in his life, partially because of the love of his sister.

Youth often feel lonely or isolated either socially or spiritually. Friendships and close ties with their brothers and sisters are the best antidote. One teenager was rejected by a group of girls at her school. Her brothers and sisters eased her sorrow by including her in their activities and giving her extra doses of love.

All these are examples of young women who strengthened their current homes and families. When young people serve their families, they receive faith and hope and strength in their own lives. Serving families is a way of covenant keeping, and covenant keeping reaps the promised blessing of having the Spirit in our lives. So to reiterate the first point, we must help our young women begin where they are, in whatever kind of family they are in, to strengthen their homes and families.

We must prepare young women with skills, both temporal and spiritual, that will bless their future homes.

When I think about preparation, I think of Captain Moroni. He was a master at preparing his people, both temporally and spiritually. He prepared them in three ways: he fortified their cities as places of refuge (Alma 49:4); he prepared soldiers with strong armor (Alma 43:19); and he prepared the minds and hearts of the people by strengthening their ideals and resolves (Alma 43:45).

How do we fortify our girls? Like Moroni’s people, they need places of refuge from the world in the home and Church. They need minds and hearts strengthened with faith, testimony, and knowledge of who they are. And they need to be armed with the temporal and spiritual skills that will prepare them to go out into the world and establish strong, righteous homes. I believe that one way we can arm our girls spiritually is to give them temporal skills, or talents. We know that to the Lord, all things are spiritual. As He tells us in Doctrine and Covenants 29:34, “I say unto you that all things unto me are spiritual, and not at any time have I given unto you a law which was temporal.”

An example which illustrates this is cooking. If a young woman learns how to cook delicious, nutritious meals, she will acquire skills to bless her future family, not only temporally but spiritually. Cooking skills can provide young women a way to create enticing times in her home where people gather to talk and to bond with each other. Cooking skills provide a chance for important spiritual things to happen in a family. Sister Janette Hales Beckham thought of her dinner table as a place where the family gathered not just for physical nourishment but for spiritual food. Those who learn to make homemade meals have a skill that can help them also make good homes.

Homemaking skills are becoming a lost art. I worry about this. When we lose the home-makers in a society, we create an emotional homelessness much like street homelessness, with similar problems of despair, lack of self-esteem, drugs, and immorality. In a publication called The Family in America, Bryce Christensen discusses this issue. He writes that the number of homeless people on the street “does not begin to reveal the scope of homelessness in America. For since when did the word home signify merely physical shelter, or homelessness merely the lack of such shelter? . . . Home [signifies] not only shelter, but also emotional commitment, security, and belonging. Home has connoted not just a necessary roof and warm radiator, but a place sanctified by the abiding ties of wedlock, parenthood, and family obligation; a place demanding sacrifice and devotion, but promising loving care and warm acceptance” (“Homeless America: What the Disappearance of the American Homemaker Really Means,” The Family in America, vol. 17, no. 1, Jan. 2003, 1).

So we must teach homemaking skills, including practical ones like cooking, sewing, budgeting, and beautifying. We must let young women know that homemaking skills are honorable and can help them spiritually as well as temporally. Making a home appealing physically will encourage loved ones to want to be there. The temporal preparation is spiritual to the Lord, for it will create the kind of atmosphere that is conducive to the Spirit.

In such an atmosphere, spiritual skills like peacemaking and selflessness will be more readily learned. Surely the Lord’s pattern for preparing His temples is the pattern we should follow in our homes: “Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God” (D&C 88:119). Using any talents, practical or spiritual, for the purpose of making a home will invite the Spirit into your home.

Sunday lessons, Mutual, and Personal Progress are all programs that provide times and ways to teach these necessary lessons. I hope we will use the rich resources of our Relief Society sisters to help us. I think you all know my own personal story as a Laurel adviser. These young women had one year until they would be out in the world on their own. I reminded them of that and then asked them what they still needed to know to be ready for that independence. From their list of needs—balancing a checkbook, applying for colleges and jobs, cooking something besides cookies, and so forth—we planned our Mutual activities. I no longer had any problems with attendance because we were preparing in the ways the young women needed to fulfill their important future roles. As we worked together to learn new skills, I could see that in the process of learning the temporal skills, some of the spiritual ones were developing simultaneously. There was more genuine friendship and concern for one another. Mothers told me that the spiritual tenor of their homes improved as they shared some of their newfound skills.

I witnessed a beautiful example of a ward in Oklahoma who used Mutual and Sunday lessons to teach an important life skill that could bless their current and future homes and their communities. As they taught the skill of sign language, another skill developed within the girls. They started reaching out to someone in need, giving selfless service. Alexis, a hearing-impaired girl, would soon be entering Young Women as a Beehive. The Young Women president had been earnestly praying about how to best help her. In a vivid dream one night, she saw all of the girls signing the Young Women theme to Alexis. She knew what she was supposed to do.

Even though she knew no sign language, she began the task of learning it and teaching it to the girls. It was a huge effort, taking several months to learn. On Alexis’s birthday she came to Young Women for the first time. Her mother was by her side to interpret for her. The Young Women president said to her in sign, “Will you and your mother please come up. We have a surprise for you.” Then every young woman and leader signed the theme as they said it. The Spirit was so strong because the silent message rang out loud and clear that she was one of them. Everyone had a small taste of loving like the Savior loves. They liked the way it felt.

This triggered continued learning and continued service. Some of the girls learned more sign language so they could better serve Alexis by interpreting for her at camp and in meetings and be her communicating friend at school.

Then the priests in the ward wanted to be part of this, so they learned the sacrament prayers in sign language. Alexis’s mother told us this incident: “One of the young men learned the sacrament prayers. The first week that he did it his father caught me after sacrament meeting and said, ‘Would you have my son do that all the time?’ And I said, ‘Why?’ And he said, ‘There has been such a different spirit in our home this week as our son has practiced the sacrament prayers. He has been practicing an ordinance. He has felt the Spirit as he has done it. And our whole family has benefitted. So we want him to do it every week.’ ”

I learned many good lessons from the experiences of this ward. The Young Women leaders followed the promptings of the Spirit to know how to meet the needs of one young woman. They included all of the young women in the solution to their dilemma. They taught a practical, or temporal, skill, which in the process helped the girls in their spiritual development as well. Mutual was profitably used each week to reach their goal. When this skill was put into practice, it served and blessed another person. The young women tasted the sweetness of service, the sweetness of the Spirit.

To reiterate, this is what we as leaders must do. We must prepare the young women with practical skills and spiritual skills that will bless their future homes.

We must inspire the young women to want to be wonderful wives, mothers, and homemakers.

The two most powerful tools we have to inspire our young women are (1) our examples and (2) our sincere words.

Again we can pattern our leadership after Moroni’s. One of the ways he taught the people best was through his own example. He wanted them to be firm in their faith in Christ. They knew what that meant because they could see him live with faith in Christ. “Moroni was a strong and a mighty man; he was a man of a perfect understanding; yea, a man that did not delight in bloodshed; a man whose soul did joy in the liberty and the freedom of his country, . . . a man whose heart did swell with thanksgiving to his God, . . . a man who did labor exceedingly for the welfare and safety of his people, . . . a man who was firm in the faith of Christ” (Alma 48:11–13). He was a marvelous example in every way for his people. Somehow, when we can see it done, we know how to do it better ourselves.

I’ve seen many inspirational Young Women leaders who exemplify living their roles with nobility and joy. I remember the powerful example of my Laurel adviser, who was faithful in rearing her children in the Church even though her husband was inactive. I know a young woman whose parents weren’t active in the Church. She was very impressionable and teachable and learned well from the examples of her leaders. She learned to fast and how to hold family home evening by participating with her teachers in these activities.

My best and most consistent example in learning the joys of homemaking and mothering was my own mother. She told me many times every day how much she treasured being a mother and homemaker, and then she lived those words in every action. She sang as she folded laundry; she rejoiced in shelling tender green peas from the garden; she exulted over the clean smell in a freshly scrubbed bathroom; she taught me how to read and write, sew and cook, love and serve. She treasured each of her children individually and taught us and affirmed us. She worked selflessly and tirelessly and always had the temple as her model of an ideal home. Because she emanated the Spirit and His fruits of love, joy, peace, meekness, long-suffering and temperance, I felt it, and I knew I wanted the same things in my life. Her example continues to mean everything to me and still teaches me on a daily basis.

I want all of you to know the great joy I feel in being a mother, wife, and homemaker. We should express it often and live with that joy in our actions and countenances.

We must help the young women have the courage to face a world which is desecrating families and family values.

When I was having children, nurses and doctors boldly told me to stop after our first two children were born, and even strangers in the grocery store offered their unsolicited opinions about my family decisions. But that opposition seems like nothing compared to the challenges facing our young women now.

Same-gender attraction, abortion, cohabitation, divorce, immorality, and violence are issues that are screaming in our faces at every turn. It has been somewhat alarming to me recently to feel the full fury of Satan’s attack on families.

Even though I feel alarm, I do not feel fear. Fear is the opposite of faith. Paul told Timothy that “God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7).

I feel faith in Jesus Christ and in His restored gospel upon the earth. I feel empowered by the truths of the gospel succinctly stated in the family proclamation. It takes a stand on each of the issues I just mentioned, as well as others. Listen: 

Same-gender attraction: “Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose. . . . We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.”

Abortion: “We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God’s eternal plan.”

Cohabitation: “Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan.”

Divorce: “Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children.”

Immorality: “We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity . . . will one day stand accountable before God.”

Violence: “We warn that individuals who . . . abuse spouse or offspring . . . will one day stand accountable before God.” (“The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102)

Not only do I feel strengthened by these truths, I feel so loved by a wise and all-knowing Father in Heaven who has blessed us with prophets and apostles to guide this Church. I am so grateful for a personal assurance that we are His children. We are numbered to Him. He knows us by name. If our young women can know of His love, if they can be embedded in the truths of the gospel, they will not fear.

We are taught that “if ye are prepared ye shall not fear” (D&C 38:30). President Packer promised us that our youth could grow up without fear and with happiness in these trying times if they are prepared with strong testimonies. He said: “They need not fear. We need not fear. Fear is the opposite of faith. I have been in the councils of the Church and seen many things. I have seen disappointment and shock and concern. Never once have I seen any fear. Our youth can look forward with hope for a happy life. They shall marry and raise families in the Church and teach their little ones what you have taught them. They, in turn, will teach their children and their grandchildren” (“The One Pure Defense,” [address given to CES seminary and institute teachers, Feb. 6, 2004], 6).

With strong testimonies of the gospel and a firm knowledge of eternal doctrines, our young women will have the courage to face a world that is desecrating families.

We must emphasize the eternal responsibility and privilege of motherhood and help young women understand that each of them will make a home and influence children whether or not they have the opportunity to marry in this life.

In the premortal realm, men and women had full equality as Heavenly Father’s spirit children; however our roles and assignments were different. These differences are eternal differences. Men were given the responsibilities of fatherhood and priesthood, while women were given the roles of motherhood and sisterhood. The proclamation states that “each [human being] is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny” (“The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102).

Women of God will live to bless and influence the lives of others. This is our assignment, whether or not we have the opportunity to marry in this life. My cousin Carrie was a sterling example of a single sister who was a happy, generous, loving woman, blessing all with whom she associated. She was killed in an automobile accident when she was in her late 30s, but her final act of goodness prior to her untimely death was finishing scrapbooks (or mini life histories) for each of her nieces and nephews. She was fulfilling her mission to the degree that she could within her opportunities.

President Kimball talked about the influence of strong women of God upon the world. He said: “Much of the major growth that is coming to the Church in the last days will come because many of the good women of the world (in whom there is often such an inner sense of spirituality) will be drawn to the Church in large numbers. This will happen to the degree that the women of the Church reflect righteousness and articulateness in their lives and to the degree that the women of the Church are seen as distinct and different—in happy ways—from the women of the world” (“The Role of Righteous Women,” Ensign, Nov. 1979, 103–4).

We are distinct and different in happy ways because we know who we are eternally. I appreciated a wonderful talk on motherhood by Sister Sheri Dew. It was not only powerful in its doctrine, but it was also powerful in its delivery, because she is a single woman who understands and believes the doctrine that we are all divinely appointed to these womanly roles of mothering and nurturing. So the fifth point is that we must emphasize to the girls the eternal nature of their calling to motherhood and sensitively teach them to fulfill their calling within their earthly opportunities.

In Conclusion

Now a word of praise for you wonderful leaders. I’ve thought a lot about the mantle you carry as you are set apart to lead. It feels very real to me as I watch the little miracles you perform. I recently reread that little section in 2 Kings 2:8–15, where the prophet Elijah’s mantle falls upon Elisha. Before Elijah was taken up in a chariot of fire, he said to Elisha, “Ask what I shall do for thee, before I be taken away from thee.” The one request of Elisha was “let a double portion of thy spirit be upon me.” And when the sons of the prophets saw him, they said, “The spirit of Elijah doth rest on Elisha.” So he was blessed with that request, and that is what the mantle is—the Spirit. When I see the great work you do, I think it is a double portion of the Spirit that is upon Young Women workers.

I know you need the Spirit in your busy roles. I hope that the Spirit will help you know how to simplify. By that I mean to spend what valuable time you do have with the important things. Teach principles and doctrines. Give love. Be examples. Make your teaching appealing and as simple as possible. Think again of the Oklahoma ward. Many Mutual activities were spent learning to sign. There were no bells and whistles, but look at the important and ongoing results.

While what we are doing with young women now is crucial to saving this world, what we are doing with our eternal callings is of even greater importance. We also carry a mantle for our callings as wives, mothers, and homemakers. We need to call upon the Lord for a double portion of His Spirit to be with us in these eternal roles. Our homes may be our last and only place of refuge, as our prophets are prophesying.

Recently I sought refuge in the home of my parents. Soon after I was called to this position I visited my parents. They are serving as the temple president and matron of the Nauvoo Illinois Temple. Though the home they live in is lovely in every way, it is not the home of my early years, nor does it have any particular nostalgic memories for me. But as I entered that home that night after a long day of travel and a few long weeks of feeling overwhelmed, I knew I had come home. Home was not just a place but a feeling. I had come home to love, to nurturing, to comfort, to wisdom, to good conversation, to humor, to rest, and even to my favorite homemade soup. I spent a couple of days being renewed and buoyed up in ways that happen best at home. Although my parents were carrying the mantle of their calling to serve in the temple, they did not forget their more important calling—that of parenthood. I am pleading with you to be exemplary leaders but not to neglect your home responsibilities.

As I sought refuge in my parents’ home in historic Nauvoo, the city of Joseph, my thoughts quite naturally turned to the Prophet Joseph Smith. I remembered that after the most glorious heavenly vision of this dispensation had occurred, this 14-year-old young man went home. He returned to a sanctuary of love, acceptance, and understanding. His mother, who was sensitive to her son’s spirit, asked him what was the matter. She sensed something. He knew the climate was right for him to confide in her. She believed him. As the word got out, though, others persecuted him, and his home truly became his sanctuary amid storm and strife.

It is through the Prophet Joseph Smith that the Restoration of the gospel of Jesus Christ occurred. Because of that Restoration, we have the priesthood again upon the earth. It is through that priesthood that we have all of the ordinances to bind and seal us as families. And those binding ordinances build the foundation for homes where we can find refuge from the storms.

President Boyd K. Packer said to seminary and institute teachers recently: “The very purpose for the Restoration centers on the sealing authority, the temple ordinances, baptism for the dead, eternal marriage, eternal increase—centers on the family!

“The Lord placed the responsibility upon parents first, saying: ‘Inasmuch as parents have children in Zion . . . that teach them not to understand the doctrine of repentance, faith in Christ the Son of the living God, and of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of the hands, when eight years old, the sin be upon the heads of the parents. . . .

“ ‘And they shall also teach their children to pray, and to walk uprightly before the Lord’ (D&C 68:25, 28).

“There is ‘the shield of faith wherewith’ the Lord said ‘ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked’ (D&C 27:17).

“This shield of faith is handmade in a cottage industry. What is most worth doing ideally is done at home. It can be polished in the classroom, but it is fabricated and fitted in the home, handcrafted to each individual.

“Many do not have support in the family. When that shield is not provided at home, we must, and we can, build it. You and the leaders and teachers then become the first line of defense” (“The One Pure Defense,” [address given to CES seminary and institute teachers, Feb. 6, 2004], 4).

Once again we look to Moroni as a leader who was on that line of defense, who prepared his people for war. However, those valiant 2,000 stripling warriors in his day were protected not only with shields of armor he made but also with shields of faith that had been “handmade in [the] cottage industry.” That faith had been taught by their mothers, “that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them. And they rehearsed unto me the words of their mothers, saying: We do not doubt our mothers knew it” (Alma 56:47–48).

How significant are our roles as mothers! How crucial are our roles as leaders! How imperative that we properly train the future righteous women of God! This is the “one bright shining hope” in our world today. I love you; I have the utmost confidence in you. I know that this work we are engaged in is His work, and I am grateful for the wonderful privilege we all have to be His instruments. I pray that the Lord will bless you with a double portion of His Spirit in your important and eternal callings.