At a family evening talent night, a father was put on edge by his eight-year-old son scratching away on his violin. The family dog was howling in anguish all the while. After a few minutes of this torture, the harried father asked, “Son, can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?”

The bishop was explaining to the students of his college ward the procedures to be used during the upcoming tithing settlement. Referring to the value of the receipt for the year’s donations, he cinched his remarks with this parting shot: “When I sign it, it becomes an official receipt, acceptable by the eternal revenue service.”

Jay H. Huber Rexburg, Idaho

Definition for speakers: A synonym is a word you use when you can’t pronounce the other one.

Our elders quorum was planning a special banquet, but the dinner committee couldn’t agree on the best cut of steak. A few men held out for T-bones, others wanted sirloin, while one thrifty brother insisted on cubed steak. Finally, one of the wives called to see how soon her husband would be home. “I have no idea, dear,” he told her. “We’re having steak conference.”

Iris Syndergaard Kaysville, Utah

A Primary teacher was testing her students’ knowledge of some proverbs.

“Cleanliness is next to what?”

“Impossible!” replied a small boy, with feeling.

Four-year-old Tammy was pleased to have her Uncle Dana stay with her for a few days before he entered the mission home. One morning he left the house before she was awake. Finding him gone, she asked me where he went.

“He’s gone to the temple to take out his endowments,” I said.

With a concerned look on her face, she asked, “What was wrong with them?”

Mrs. Edwin B. Peterson Oakland, Minnesota

A Relief Society sister was mailing a Bible to her son in the service. The postal clerk examined the package carefully and inquired, “Anything breakable?”

“Nothing,” she replied, “but the Ten Commandments.”

My children and I had been working with the flannelboard story “Adam and the Animals.” After my three-year-old daughter had placed all the pictures on the board, I asked, “How did Adam help Heavenly Father?”

She looked at the board for a moment and replied, “He took the pictures.”

Lynn Clark Louisville, Kentucky

A college student’s weekly letters home were becoming shorter and shorter. Soon his hastily scribbled notes merely contained one-line messages. The first one read: “B. This is your next weekly letter.” After a few weeks of this, the student’s mother responded with,

“×. This is your monthly check.”