“I Could Remember My Pains No More”

“Why do I still remember my sins?” asked the woman who sat in my office. She was distraught, yet she had an earnest desire to understand.

At the time, I was serving as a mission president, and this sister had come to seek my counsel on a matter that had troubled her for some time.

She told me that years earlier, she had committed a serious sin. She had confessed to her appropriate priesthood leader and had followed counsel in seeking forgiveness from the Lord, the Church, and the individuals involved. She had changed her life and was now obeying the commandments. Still, the things she had done returned to her mind from time to time.

“The Lord has said that when we repent, we are forgiven,” she said, “and he remembers our sins no more. [See D&C 58:42.] But if I still remember my sins, that must mean I have not fully repented and that the Lord has not forgiven me. What more can I do? How will I ever know that the Lord has forgiven me?”

I asked her a few questions and became convinced that her attitude was one of repentance, obedience, and sincerity. Then I invited her to open the scriptures. Together, we read the Lord’s commands to forgive one another and to forgive all mankind. I told her that if we must forgive one another, we must also forgive ourselves.

She accepted the principle of forgiving others, but the idea of forgiving herself was still very difficult for her. Other scriptures brought similar responses. She was not comforted.

Next, we began to read about the principle of faith in Jesus Christ. Although I prayed silently that the Lord would direct our conversation, I was unaware that the Spirit would soon teach us with great impact. I felt prompted to turn to the Book of Mormon, to Alma chapter 36, which I was currently reading in my own personal scripture study.

I asked her to read aloud the words of Alma the Younger to his son Helaman: “And it came to pass that as I was thus racked with torment, while I was harrowed up by the memory of my many sins, behold, I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world” (verse 17). The scripture sounded as if it were directed specifically to her! It was interesting to note that as Alma remembered his sins, he also remembered the Atonement.

She continued to read: “Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death” (verse 18). This sister’s cries were the same as Alma’s!

Then she read verse 19: “And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my [sins] no more.”

The words jumped off the page at me. She had read it wrong! The word was not sins.

I asked her to read the verse again. The Spirit whispered to me that she was about to receive an answer to the question that had caused her such anguish.

Without removing her eyes from the page, she silently reread the verse. Her eyes began to fill with tears as she came to a realization. Softly, with her voice difficult to control, she now read aloud: “And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.” (Italics added.)

Her eyes were filled not with tears of anguish, but rather of joy, understanding, and acceptance.

In the years since that moving experience, I have had the joyous opportunity to be present a number of times as the Lord has blessed someone with an understanding of these principles.

Those experiences—and Alma 36—have made it clear to me that when we sincerely repent and exercise faith in the Lord and in the Atonement, we are forgiven. The memory of our past sins may come to our minds from time to time; but if we will also remember the reality of the Atonement, we will remember our pains no more. We will no longer be “harrowed up” by the memory of our sins.

Then we, too, can feel as Alma did: “And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!” (Alma 36:20).

[illustration] The Conversion of Alma, by Gary Kapp

[photo] Photograph by Phil Shurtleff; posed by models