Yeah, I think. I don’t know. It really has...

I think some wires in my brain are switched

a little bit after these 30 days.

I spent so much time thinking about myself, and I have learned,

over these 30 days, that I don’t think that’s how Jesus did it.

Okay. I brought the lizard back for a close up. Here's Glutenfree.

He is a bearded dragon, and I love him so much. And he hates me. So I'm Anna. I work part time as a children's librarian at a public library.

I love it a lot. I struggle a lot with social anxiety, which I think a lot of people wouldn't guess initially talking to me. But mostly it means I get really drained by talking to other people. It's a lot of work for me. It wears me out a lot.

But I've learned that as I reach out to God for help in that area, He always is willing to give it to me.

This 30 days has been really challenging. Definitely pushed me out of my comfort zone a lot, but I've learned a lot from it.

The part that makes me honestly the most nervous is not that—

I trust God will guide me, but I don't trust myself that much to be able to recognize the guidance

and understand what He wants me to do. I get really nervous that I will be able to figure out what God is trying to tell me, but if I believe God can do all things, then I believe God can do all things, right. So.

Working on just trusting God means trusting me sometimes.

So while I was at work, I was sitting and talking with one of my coworkers.

She just was kind of telling me what's going on in her life. And I was asking her questions and was interested in what she was saying.

And as I thought that, I felt suddenly that God was telling me this was it. This was where He had sent me today. This is what He wanted me to do. It was an expression of Christ's love for her that I was there and willing to listen and trying to follow His counsel and advice. And it was an expression of my love for her to take an interest in her and what she was saying.

And like the scriptures in the gospels, you mostly hear the big crazy miracles that He did right, when He raised someone from the dead, when He healed the sick, when He gave a blind man his sight back and those big ones. But every once in a while you get one of those really small moments like Zacchaeus and the tree. And I just always think there must have been so many of those moments that we don't hear about because they were small and maybe didn't mean much to people, much to anyone besides the one person He reached out to. But there must have been lots and lots of those really small moments between Christ and people when all He did was just acknowledge them and let them know He knew that they were there. He cared that they were there.

I just think—um, the scriptures say by small and simple means are great things brought to pass. I think this counts. I think small and simple means like a smile and a quick compliment, and things like that can bring about great things.

It's kind of this funny thing. I, um.

All right. Well, let’s just get into it. I really, really, really,

don’t like myself a lot. That’s part of why—that’s part of why I picked this project. I just think like increasing love in my life in general might help me feel love from God and love for myself in my life. And it's kind of this funny thing. Some days are worse than others, and on days when I really don't like myself, it's really hard for me to talk to other people and reach out to other people.

I was walking back to my car from my one of my classes and ahead of me, I saw this guy that I know. And I did not want to have to talk to him. So I started walking slower to make sure I wouldn't catch up with him.

But I thought, all right, if I’m going to—if I’m going to let the Savior work in my heart and change my life, then I need to do my part. So I started walking faster. I caught up with him and asked him how he’s doing.

I think it meant a lot to him just to know he has a friend and I—

it’s, I’m embarrassed to say it really did, just my whole day completely turned around. I had a great day after that. It's really kind of almost annoying because now that I know that, I’m responsible for that information, now I know that I really can improve my day just by reaching out to someone else. It’s like, what a weird thing that I am, like, Yeah, I’ll do a 30-day challenge. I'm so willing to become more like God. And then like all the things God prompts me to do during this challenge

are like, against my will.

But every time I do, even especially actually like the the times God promised me to reach out to someone and I want to, those bless me and those feel good and those improve my day. That's true. But the ones that I don't want to do, the people I don't want to reach out to, I,

I feel a bigger difference in my day from those actually.

So if you just start paying attention to who might need some love, it’s like it’s really pretty easy to figure it out. And also,

as a separate point, there aren’t that many people around you who don’t need some love, is what I'm learning.

Also that pretty much anyone I decide to reach out to could really use it.

Um. To be honest, I spend a lot of time alone. I am pretty—I’m pretty lonely. And I kind of expected as a side effect of this challenge to be a little less lonely. But I...some things take time.

That doesn’t mean that will never come, I guess. My trust in God that His blessings and promises are coming is kind of maybe like a muscle, right?

I need to just keep exercising it and keep using it and keep strengthening it.

So, yeah, I will say I am— I've always kind of had like a hard time with revelation.

And, you know, like the age old question of am I just thinking this or is God trying to tell me something? And I am, I think, getting a little better at that. I think.

Like someone will pop up into my brain or I just, I was looking at some old stuff that reminded me of her and I was like, Oh,

maybe I should reach out to her. And then I thought, is this just my brain or is this God telling me to do this? And I was like, I don't know why it can't be both. To be honest, I think.

Okay. Um. I. Okay, I've tried to record this video a few times because I keep wanting to leave out a relevant part of it, which is that today I

sought guidance from God and tried to think of who He wanted me to

demonstrate love for today and felt like He wanted me to demonstrate love for myself, which felt—part of me was like, is that just like a cop out?

Showing love for myself is a lot harder for me than it is

other people, which is probably not a surprise, but...

It is probably the closest I’ve come, though, to

a moment of feeling God’s love for me. Like if He wants me to show myself love, He probably loves me, right?

It could be something I hold on to for a while.

I spent the night trying to find people who needed a friend and try to help them feel like they had a friend. And they do have a friend. If nothing else, they have one person.

And also, just to speak plainly, what it means is that I spent the night talking to people, you know,

with less spatial awareness standing closer to me than I wanted them to. People who have a harder time carrying out a conversation, people who it's a little bit awkward or tricky to talk to them sometimes.

And I think other people who just kind of hung out with their circle all night and talked to people they already really know well.

It could be argued that those people had more fun than I did tonight, but I wouldn't say they had a better time than I did. I think I walked away feeling pretty fulfilled. I feel good about what I did, but.. I do, I feel like I spent the evening the way God wanted me to spend my evening.

I talk myself out of conversations and social situations all the time because it just sounds like a lot of pressure.

I do think as I make an effort to work past that, God helps me and that doesn't mean I'm suddenly cured of all social anxiety. And now I never have to take any social breaks or anything like that. But I do think if I am willing to try and put an effort,

God's willing to work with that and work with me. I have learned so.

It’s been a few days since the 30-day challenge.

The biggest lesson I've learned is that it really it goes better than I think it will. When I let go of myself and what I want, when I let go of panicking about whether or not I'm going to get the revelation I’m seeking from God, when I let go of how I want to be treated and the love I want to receive. I don't think it's wrong for me to want those things, but if I am filling up all the space in my brain all the time with all this panic and worry, then how is God supposed to put anything else in there?

That's what I know. I know God loves people around me, which I knew before, but I know better now. And

to be a part of that, to work in tandem with Him on that,

it's a pretty good use of my time. It might take up a lot of my energy and it might be kind of hard for me to do, but there's not a lot of better things I could be spending my energy on, so.

Okay. I hope any of that made sense.

Thank you for watching my 30-day challenge. It really opened my eyes to a lot of things and hopefully kind of helped some of y'all who might also be struggling with social anxiety. Let me know in the comments. It'd be really cool to hear about some of that.

Others from the series will also be posting their 30 day challenges, so make sure to subscribe so you don't miss them.