“How do you diplomatically encourage the boys you like and discourage the boys you do not want to encourage?”

Answer/Sister Ardeth G. Kapp

If I were sitting at your side and we were just chatting as friends, I would respond by asking you how you can be sure that the boy you want to discourage this week may not be the very one you wish to encourage next week. It does happen you know. And knowing this makes the challenge considerably more difficult.

The safe approach and the one most rewarding is to develop the habit of genuine friendship with all those you associate with, the likable as well as those who seem to be less likable. Emotions at times interfere with clear thinking, and some likable characteristics when carefully considered may turn out to be only superficial, while a young man with less obvious virtues may be in the process of becoming a real prince charming, with all of the attributes, characteristics, and potential that you have dreamed of in your heart.

You might remember the wisdom expressed in the Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (p. 32):

“Well, I must endure the presence of two or three caterpillars if I wish to become acquainted with the butterflies.”

The tendency to be shortsighted may cause you to see only caterpillars when a butterfly is in the making.

Close association with a young man whose standards are unacceptable must not be encouraged, but as you maintain unwavering standards of your own, you can still reach out with friendship to all, being mindful, as someone said, that you must be on higher ground if you are to lift another.

In the Doctrine and Covenants 88:40 we read:

“For intelligence cleaveth unto intelligence: wisdom receiveth wisdom: truth embraceth truth; virtue loveth virtue; light cleaveth unto light; mercy hath compassion on mercy and claimeth her own.” (D&C 88:40)

And it would seem to follow that to encourage the best, one must strive to be the best, since like spirits attract. However, boys whom you may not choose as close friends can still be lifted by your influence when you treat them with respect. Your attempt to discourage someone who would like to be a friend may be interpreted as rejection and may cause him to think less of himself. When this occurs, you deprive him as well as yourself of an opportunity to lift another.

And so I would caution you about singling out those boys you want to discourage; rather be friendly and respectful of everyone with whom you associate.

And now about that special boy you’d really like to encourage! Keep cool! A candle that burns too fast soon burns out. Be friendly. It is easier for a boy to take some initiative if you show interest and ask questions about a game he plays, a committee he serves on, or a class he’s taking. He will appreciate your sincere interest, if not overdone, and it will be much easier to become better acquainted.

Avoid becoming too anxious about dating. A survey shows that over half of the girls who graduate from high school have never had a date. You may be one of these. But the number of dates need not determine your happiness. There are many wonderful things you can be doing rather than just waiting for a date, or for your fairy godmother as Cinderella did. Just learning to enjoy people and develop friends can be exciting if you’ll let it. A girl who has many friends seems to be the one who attracts even more, and as you enlarge your circle of friends, others will be drawn in. And while you may not be dating, you will be sharing experiences, building memories, and having fun.

As you become anxious at times and even impatient, remember to talk with your Father in heaven about this matter. As you pray, express the yearnings of your heart and seek direction. “Seek diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good, if ye walk uprightly.” (D&C 90:24.)

The following is an account of a young girl who grew up in a small rural community with limited educational opportunities. The first day of her senior year she found herself without friends, entering the high school in what seemed to her to be a big city. Having lost her way and arriving late, her anxiety was only intensified after she quickly observed that she not only didn’t know her way around, but a glance downward told her that her clothing was different, and she felt different in a most uncomfortable way.

It was at the close of that day, and the following morning, and each day thereafter that she poured out the yearnings of her heart to her Father in heaven, pleading for the ability to be the kind of a person worthy of friends—lots of friends, boyfriends and girl friends—and making a promise to endeavor to keep all of the commandments in return.

Days and weeks went by. Fall gave way to winter, and while friendships were forming through her sincere respect extended to each student, still there was a need unfulfilled. Then one Sunday afternoon what seemed like an answer to her prayer came. The telephone rang and the voice of one of the special boys at school enthusiastically extended an invitation to her to attend the Sunday movie. Oh, the yearning, the prayers, the promises, the excitement, the conflict, and now the decision. Could this be an answer to her prayers—a Sunday movie? The decision was quickly but painfully made; the invitation was declined, the response cheerful but final. Oh, the torment. Would he ever call again?

A young girl poured out the yearnings of her heart to her Father in heaven, obeyed his commandments, and trusted in the outcome. That particular young man never called again, but in due time her prayers were answered with many friends, boyfriends and girl friends, and as that school year drew to a close, she was nominated by the studentbody to receive a special award for friendliness. Many lessons had been learned that year, but the lesson of greatest importance she expressed in these words:

This same lesson may be yours as you “seek diligently, pray always, and be believing …” knowing that your Father in heaven loves you and will guide you as you strive to encourage the boys you like and extend friendship to people everywhere.